Gray in Decline

My mind. My health. My grades. My friendships. My non-existant love life. My life. All going in a decline. Fuck it all. I don't care anymore. No one cares about me, why the fuck should I care about myself?

Written on September 6, 2006

I wrote this on September 6th. Elven useless, shitty, fucked up entries on that day. They suck... don't enjoy...

***Some editing involved with the transfer from the original writtings.

1. My heart aches, but it still takes in the poison. My heart dies, and my soul torn apart. Love is more painful than hate, but I still search for it. Longing to be loved by somebody. The fuck is wrong with me?

2. It makes me question whether or not life is worth living. What is the fucking point if you can't share your life with someone who means something to you?

3. What do I believe in? Nothing. I always find the flaws and they screw me. I don't like taking sides to anything when I know they are both wrong. This is how men ruin progress, but I'm fine with that. It makes things easier to become fair and people to be treated equally. However, that isn't the case and I'm such a fool.

4. A lone wolf doesn't cry. That is just to show strangth and wanted to be accepted whether they know it or now. Life it or not. They cry on the inside of the lonely isolated child who knows no real love or compasion for themselves or from others.

5. A fear of death is foolery. The inevitable shouldn't be feared. An early death should. That of course is for the selfish and the ones who are happy or at least able to fool themselves into thinking they are happy and love life.

6. Is fake happiness better than being unhappy? Along with the fake smile, fake laughter, fake interests, and fake friends. The last two don't apply to me. Just the first two. I have to lose this fake mask. I am so desperate for love and attention, I don't even love myself anymore. I hate my smile, my laughter, my face that identifies me and the fake me. The Evan in your head is a fake. Is nothing. There are two Evan's in my mind. The real one and the life. The one who goes out and plays and the one that sits back and watches. Why is thou forsaken? Why must I go to these lengths for acceptance to the ones I love, but don't love me back.

7. Why do we do jobs we hate for rewards we don't want in the first place? Why do we live to work? I envy the homeless' freedom.

8. This immaturity in me. This little crying child acting to be a grown up acting to be a kid. Little child needs to stop crying. Little child needs to grow up and stop being this sad little pierrot. I am sad, pathetic, and weak. Why does this child mock me?

9. Tear me limb from limb and leave me to die. My body feels nothing, but my heart and mind see and know the truth. If I was to die today, murdered in cold blood, would anyone care? I bet I wouldn't feel a thing, or at least care. I feel numb. I am cold.

10. God damn this emo-like. Why must I write this? It is just becayse I'm hurt? I have feelings? I am sensitive? Tell me why is thou forsaken. Is it because I'm looking for an answer? Why?

11. Why do I think like this? Why do I act like this? Why do I do the things I do? Couldn't I just do whatever else I don't do? Is a lifestlye and activity like and addiction? Why can't I stop playing the part of the lone wold with the sad little pierrot inside.? Am I so desperate or depraved? Why must I torture myself along with the others who do so? Give me complete hell or total bliss, but none of this in-between bullshit where uncertainty tears me apart. Give me a life where I either have no hope or a need for hope. Hope sucks.

Yo. I just joined this blogging site to post up some of my notebook entries that I would rather not have some people in my life see. It's not because I'm saying things about my family and friends, but I'd rather not have them know what I'm thinking, or have them think I've gone insane... if they haven't thought that already that is...

What can I say about me?... (more ellipsis) ... ... ... ... ...
I'm usually a punk type of person, all though I don't like being labeled, it's what I can be generally considered all though I am goth... punk/goth, whatever. In recent months I've been rather emo I guess. Alot of shit has happened and the straw broke the camel's back. Slowly regaining the pieces of my sanity and life together, was nearly complete, but then it shattered again.

I accidentally left my notebook at my father's second home this morning... I can get it again later tomorrow, and post some of the entries from 9/6/06 in. I just hope my father doesn't go through it. And even more so... his girlfriend... that's even more invasive...

This pisses me off.

I don't think I'm going to really be doing anything this weekend. Saturday I will drag my friend with me to the mall so I can get my left ear repiereced and my right ear pierced... at the most evil place I know of... Claire's. *GASP*

I feel like tacos.